I can’t deny my low-wage expendability. The evidence of underachievement is overwhelming and downright loathsome, like the stink of a freshly-shat turd cooking in a microwave.
For the past two years I’ve worked as a security guard in an Injun-operated casino-resort. Both of the local casinos are huge, glitzy set-ups – more spacious than anything you’ll find in Vegas or Atlantic City.
THE MYTH.
In the movies, casino-security guards are, more often than not, depicted as muscle-bound goombah-types who won’t think twice about giving you a “Sicilian-Style” beat down in one of the back rooms, or maybe even lopping off a pinkie finger if you happen to be a repeat offender.
THE REALITY
Seven of my coworkers are crippled, three are in wheelchairs, two are LEGITIMATELY mentally disabled, and one lugs around an oxygen tank on a miniature push cart. I suppose it wouldn’t be too hard for a card-counter or chip thief to get away if he REALLY put some effort into the task. You just have to run faster than the slobbering geriatric with the bum leg!
Our “Departmental Handbook” lists the security-personnel hiring requirements as follows:
A security guard must have a well-developed sense of observation, and be constantly aware of his/her surrounds. A keen intuition is also useful for spotting questionable activities.
I suppose my own version of the hiring requirements might be a little more frank:
A security guard must exist in physical-space – that is, having both DENSITY and MASS. Security personnel must also be able to articulate greetings in anything resembling – that is, phonologically similar, to spoken English.
Ahhh! Living the good life!
1 comment:
*snort*, it is funny to see a security guard you know you could walk away from in order to elude.
But you touch on the real requirement as told by so many in security: Presence. Your mere presence keeps the peace. But really, get some real hoods in there causing a ruckus and that's a job for the cops anyhow.
So it's presence which is staggeringly similar to you description.
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